Five Helpful Alternatives to Killing Yourself

1.
Buy several tubes of multicolor glitter glue
Call up your most wonderful friend
Ask them if you can use the glitter glue to draw a star chart
Of everything you think is beautiful about them
on their back and shoulders
If they say no,
Buy as many tubes of glitter glue as you can carry in your arms
Smile at the cashier at the craft store like you are not afraid
And wish them a happy birthday
Climb atop your roof and draw a star chart of everything beautiful about everyone you know
Make each individual a galaxy and conjure constellations
Of every time you've ever made them smile
Do this until you no longer feel like jumping

2.
Volunteer at an animal shelter
Spend your entire day learning reasons
The kitten with one eye and three legs deserves to live
And trying to convince every person who walks through the door to bring it home
If no one adopts the three legged one eyed kitten,
Tell it all of the reasons it deserves to live
And take it home
Do this repeatedly
Name every mutant kitten
after a person you believe deserves a second chance
Do this until you name one after yourself

3.
Clean your entire house and begin teaching yourself
Everything you've ever wished you could know how to do.
Write theoretical letters to the theoretical mother or father or
sperm donor or surrogate parents of your theoretical future children
Telling them how thankful you are
Plan family vacations for people who don't exist yet
Collect travel brochures and put all of your spare change in a jar
Marked "Amsterdam, Norway and Hawaii"
Write fictional eulogies for yourself
about what an awesome great grandparent
Or professional 2030s electropop bluegrass musician you were
Look back on futures that haven't happened yet
Do this until you find the one you need to create

4.
Go deep into the woods
To a place where the creek swallows all the sounds
And broadcasts shards of moonlight
Like broken television static into your eardrums
Sing everything that is wrong
Until you are screaming
Dig your knuckles into the trees
Until they are bleeding
Barrel out every sound you can find in your shaking body
Until the bars of your cage start hermoraging
Roar until every black bear in these mountains
Is roaring with you
Roar until you know where every fracture of your pain
Was born
Roar until your heart is rattling like a china shop
Bracing itself against nuclear war
But no matter how earth shattering the blast
Do not let a single teacup fall
Wash your hair in the calmest part of the creek
Swim and splash like the free and mighty animal that you are
Do this until you are born again

5.
Gather a fistful of good stones from the shoulder of the road
And put them in a ziplock bag.
Make a list of everyone who would be sad if you died
And tell each of them you love them.
Also tell them that the world is going to end in a swirl of destruction
Unless you throw these pebbles into the ocean
Inform them that you have rented a huge SUV
And ask them to take a week off of work.
Some of them will.
Bring all of your favorite CDs.
Buy these people ice cream at every opportunity possible,
Take hundreds of pictures,
Thank them constantly for helping you save the universe.
Believe every word.
If you throw the pebbles in the ocean,
And you still do not feel like you want to be alive,
Do not be afraid to explain to them,
That you either got the wrong pebbles or went to the wrong beach
And you're going to have to go back to your hometown
Get more pebbles
Go back to a new beach,
And try again.
Try again.
Even if you have to go alone this time.
Even if you run out of money for a car
And you are travelling the world on a bus
Or stowing away on a cargoship
Even if your only lifeline is a thumb raised against
The flashing of lights on the highway
There is music in the searchlight of your beating heart
If you journey far enough,
You will find the right pebbles.
You will find the right ocean.
You will be gifted from the voiceboxes
Of strangers and mountaintops
The chords to write the song of you
Do this until you find everything you didn't know you were looking for,
Do this until the world
Isn't ending anymore